A Letter To My First Born: You Will Always Have My Love

02.02.2018

My dear sweet Emerson. You were my first little love, because of you I became a mother and you were the first to expose me to that gut wrenching all-consuming type of love. I am so very grateful for you each and every day!

 

In just your two short years you’ve taught me so very much. You’ve taught me how to be a mom, you’ve taught me what I am capable of, you’ve taught me about priorities and what is truly important in life, and you’ve taught me how to live in the moment.

 

There are so many things that I wish I could have done differently early on. I spent so much time worrying about your sleep, what you were eating, how you were developing that I often didn't let us enjoy the simple tender moments together. When I think of that my heart breaks a little, because you were my first and that time is so precious, I can never get a chance to do it again.  I can only hope when you lay your head down at night to sleep you feel safe and loved. I promise that as we move into this next chapter I won’t overlook or take those small moments for granted.

 

You are growing up so fast. One minute I was playing jazz music and rocking you to sleep as the snow softly fell outside, and then I blinked and you were walking, talking and expressing to me what you stuffed animal you wanted to sleep with that night. They tell you the time goes by fast but you can never really be prepared for how truly fast it goes.

 

Your baby brother arrived just over a week ago and we are transitioning into a family of four I find myself mourning our family of three. I wish I could go back and relive all those precious moments with you, trade in the days of tears, fears and worrying and just enjoy sitting and snuggling with you. That sadness often turns to fear as I always want to ensure you feel loved, get the attention and affection you deserve, and that you can one day understand how deeply my love for you goes.

 

I try and coupe with this sadness and fear by reminding myself how amazing you are. Despite my fears and failures and being a first-time mom, you have grown into such an astonishing toddler. You are full of energy, curiosity and determination, characteristics which I know will carry over into your adulthood. You are healthy, strong and I hope you always feel safe in my arms.

 

I think what I’m sad for, most of all, is knowing the days of just you and me are done. The road thus far was paved with good intentions. My head and my heart were always in the right place. I only wanted the best for you and still do. I probably hovered a bit too much and pored over the smallest fall or scrape. But I wanted to keep you healthy and safe so you could grow up to be healthy and strong. Even though I’ve been so exhausted these past few months, I find myself wanting to hold you a little tighter, read that last book a little longer just so I can cherish these moments with just you and I. I want these moments to live with me and you forever.

 

Your brother has arrived and you are learning to share mommy. Just know, that I love you so very very much and that love will never change. You will always be my first born, my daughter and nothing will ever be able to take that away. Your father and I are both so very proud of the little girl you are and can’t wait to see the young lady you become. I know you will be the most amazing big sister and despite my own fears, I know you will handle this change in stride.

 

My sweet Emerson, you will always be my first love, the one who teaches me to be a better mom and the one who always be my first baby. These things can never change. We have so many firsts still ahead of us, I hope you enjoy them as much I hope to. And know, with this new addition to our family my love will not be divided, not be split, but only grow stronger for you and for your brother. I love you my sweet baby girl.

 

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.” (Robert Munsch)

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